Squint your eyes and look closer…
The classic 32 Flavors by the fiercely talented Ani DiFranco has been running on repeat through my mind and heart these last few weeks. I mean, it’s always been a favorite, but the lyrics have been hitting. my. soul. y’all.
So here’s what’s been going on…
First, a TL;DR cause it’s kinda long: My pain turned into acceptance, the acceptance into wonder, the wondering turned to an experiment, the experiment developed into knowing, and the knowing is now a living, breathing, perpetually becoming version of myself.
One year ago I decided that I wanted to branch out and actually start a business – on purpose. After spending 6 years of being a “yes” woman, and learning incredible things from and for incredible people as I went along, it felt like it was time to take all of my experience, and all of my desire and turn it into… something.
So I joined a business launch group with 19 other women. It was wonderful in a lot of ways, and helped me clarify and talk to the higher part of myself. The part that said my real power lies in my ability to connect – to connect stories with people, people with each other, people with themselves, so they can finally BE who they are. I figured out my mission, vision, values, what I want to create in the world! I built my website, figured out my offer, got my LLC for Badass Brand Story, and I was open for business.
Only, not REALLY. I “launched” and put myself out there – terrified, afraid, filled with crushing self-doubt. Every word, every post was carefully curated, and took hours! All of my “followers” were people I knew. How fucking embarrassing, to put myself out there and be judged. All I wanted to do was run and hide. All I wanted was a Sarah Dimeo in my life!
I did some free calls – that were really fucking powerful, but no takers. I took courses, spent hours trying to find all the things I was doing wrong. But in the end it came down to two things:
- I didn’t believe in my offer.
- I didn’t believe in ME.
So I did what anyone would do.
Within 2 months, I gave up. Completely and totally – on my business and on myself.
I put myself in a box and sat on it.
Inside of that box, I writhed in pain, saying everything mean to myself that I possibly could. For weeks, I blamed myself for everything – no degree, no passion, no proof, too sensitive, too much, not enough, NOT ENOUGH, a fool. Who do you think you are? I blamed my circumstances, I blamed my lack of focus, I blamed my husband, I blamed everyone who ever expected anything of me, I blamed myself for doing things I didn’t want to do, I blamed myself for my lack of stick-to-it-iveness, for pretending, for hiding. Why can’t you just go find a fucking job and KEEP IT, Sarah?
Though I have a lifetime of self-flagellation as a pastime, it was the first time in my life I’ve ever had a thought that I don’t belong, that I have no value, and that the world would be better if I wasn’t in it.
I begged repeatedly to be let out of my misery, only to be met with silence. Finally, a quiet voice inside began nudging me along, saying,
“This is FOR YOU. Until you see yourself without fighting, without blaming yourself or anyone else, until you can feel your fucking feelings, until you can see who you are, you can just stay in there.”
So I did. I allowed it all to wash over and through me. Over time, the barrage of insults became whispers; all of the blame and victimhood dissipated and became acceptance. Then it all turned into wondering.
“I wonder…”
Turned into taking a part-time role at a local leadership company. Here I worked with amazing people who are focused on living and being messy and imperfect in service of creating intentional impact. Here I learned what I LOVE to do, I learned how to communicate – and the ways I can improve. I rediscovered how much I love the inner workings of a business, how much I loved people, and efficiency, and kindness and authenticity. Over time, I also discovered that while I am thrilled to be involved in developing people, the thought of helping people thrive in their roles, on their teams, in their companies… was not what makes my heart go pitter patter.
What makes my heart race – what makes chills run down my spine – is working directly with business owners. To show them their higher self, to be with them on their journey to becoming it, in all of the ways I know how, with the multitude of gifts I’ve been given in my life.
I realized that my issue was never my business, it was me trying to fit myself into my own damn box. It was my unwillingness to LOVE all that I am. I’m not meant to have one single offer, one single thing I’m good at. I’m meant to take on whatever shape, whatever container is needed in the moment, in service to my and their highest and best. When you work with me, you get ALL of this – not just one thing.
From this place, I feel powerful. From this place, I want to share everything I’ve learned. Because I’ve explored my darkest places and survived; from this place, I can finally heal – and as I do, everyone around me gets to do the same. From this place, I get to grow and learn, and be in a continual state of becoming without shame. From this place, I am so fucking proud of myself, I make my own damn self cry. How fucking cool is that?
I am not vanilla. I’m not even Rocky Road. I am 32 flavors (and then some).
I have a sneaking suspicion you are, too.
Let’s talk about it.
You are fantastic and I like your face.
XO,
S
a mother, lover, wife, friend, technologist, designer, artist, writer, seer, seeker, healer, sister, daughter, creative, problem-solver, ADHD’er, sensitive, emotional, badass, thinker, feeler, powerful, strong, empathetic, gentle, curious, calm, open, ambitious, caring, intelligent, musical, dancing human
