Time is all we have.
That was the message left behind for me by my inner White Rabbit, whom I met during an IFS Therapy* session. The day I met him, I had just quit my long-term contracting gig after a simple dental procedure knocked me on my ass and left me hospitalized for 2 days, one week away from my 40th birthday. I felt lost, confused, hopeful. yet I still had this constant running sensation, a feeling like I needed to be doing something anything, right now. RIGHT NOW.
But what? I was frantic, lost, confused. I thought that leaving that job would alleviate all of my suffering – like the job was the problem. But I started working in my friend’s recruiting company as a part-time recruiter, and after a week I started to feel the same internal pressure. GAH! Why am I not better at his? What is wrong with me?
Patience for myself was non-existent. I wanted immediate results. Even thought I LOVE people, and work, and connecting people with work. This started to feel like too much, much of the time.
I hated to let candidates down, and I hated when the candidates I loved weren’t liked so well by the hiring managers.
I knew that this was part of it, but it didn’t stop me from feeling horrible. Frantic. Rushed.
When I sat down on my therapist’s couch that day, I was deeply triggered. I met my White Rabbit and he was just running around, back and forth, back and forth, checking his watch. I couldn’t keep up or stop him until I finally shouted out. “PLEASE, STOP. WE NEED TO TALK.” He stopped and stared at me, tapping his foot impatiently.
“Hey there, what is going on here? I can feel you moving this way and that, going going going. What is so important? Why are you rushing so?”
“I have so much to do, Sarah. So much to do. Can’t let anyone down. Go. GO. GO.”
So I asked him, “WHY?”
He looked at me quizzically and said, “Why? I don’t know. I just feel like people are only happy if I go. And do. And do it fast. And do it now.”
I asked again, “Why?”
He dropped his stopwatch, looked at me with sad eyes and said, “I’m not sure”. He sat down. “I’m not sure. Do I need to keep going this way. Is this required of me? I’m actually really tired.”
I looked at him with loving eyes and said, “You know what? You really don’t.” I remembered how multiple past employers have told me that my 50% was other people’s 110%. I remembered how multiple people in my life have told me I don’t have to rush. It’s not a race. I remembered how I never believed them. I remembered the exhaustion I would feel at the end of my days, how I didn’t have energy for my family, for a life of my own.
I sat down next to him. “You can rest now. It’s okay to stop.” We sat together in silence for a few moments. When I looked over at again, he had turned into flame. My therapist told me that our parts can heal and disappear, or take on new roles. He told me that our healed parts can sometimes leave us gifts in their place.
I recall vividly the curling smoke, and as the tendrils dissipated, I looked down, and sure enough, he’d left me with his gold stopwatch, engraved with the words, “Time is all we have.’
From that moment on, I knew that that part of me – the part who needs to rush, who doesn’t want to let anyone down – was actively healing. Not that I don’t like to work fast, or to get things done. I do. I love it actually. And, of course I want people to be happy! The difference is, I pay attention now, to what I want the outcome to be. To who I want to be as I do the work. And just by paying attention, I’m able to be with people when something isn’t right or needs a change. I used to put all of my worth in getting it right the first time. Ha!
By changing my relationship to time, I have changed my relationship with myself. Here are just a few ways my life has changed:
- I think of time as a devotion to what needs to get done.
- The words “waste time” is out of my lexicon. Yes, sometimes I spend hours scrolling when that time may perhaps be better served elsewhere. Oops.
- I no longer rush. Yes, I work fast. Yes, there are times that my family needs to be somewhere and we run behind. But, honestly, that happens less and less frequently.
- I’m honest with myself about time.
- When I procrastinate (WHICH I DO – I am 100% human here) – I can look at that procrastination in the eye and ask it why? It’s usually because I’m afraid of something, or unclear on what the outcome wants/needs to be. And sometimes, honestly, I’m not procrastinating, I’m waiting for inspiration or I know something isn’t quite right. It doesn’t matter, really – the biggest thing is that I don’t blame myself along the way, or put my energy towards something that doesn’t really need it – yet, if at all.
- I allocate my time to where I want to be, what I want to do, and who I want to be with, work with, and who I want to become.
- I no longer try to control time, I allow it, I plan for it loosely, I prioritize my joy and who I’m becoming.
- I prioritize time for my joy and I have aspects of my day that I have to do (school drop-off/pick-up, etc) that I turn into joyful moments, just because I make the decision to do it.
In this productivity-fueled society, where our value is predicated on what we accomplish each day, creating a mutually agreeable and enjoyable relationship with time can have enormous positive influence in our lives and how we show up for our world. When we’re good stewards of our time and energy, our boundaries happen naturally because we only say yes to things that fit what we want to do and who we want to be.
Some reminders as we go:
Life is a paradox.
Healing is a journey.
Nuance is key.
Practice a little bit each day.
As I continue to heal my relationship to time, time starts to bend in my direction. That might sound strange or woo (which is no surprise, considering I’m absolutely both of those things), but truly, I no longer feel busy. My life feels full – sometimes it takes a little work to figure out how to do it all, but. it always works out that I have all the time I need.
Some key practices that help my relationship to time that you might find helpful:
- Plan my day every day – I use this
- Prioritize ONE thing every day
- Allow time for rest – even if it’s 15 minutes at the end of the day
- Only say yes to opportunities that bring me closer to who I want to be, where I want to go, and what I want to create
- Have a family calendar that has everything in one place – communicate with my hubs and kids to figure out who goes where, when, and how
- Pay attention to how my body feels as I’m working – do I feel rushed and hurried? If so, check in with myself and ask why. Sometimes a break is necessary, oftentimes, I just need a quick reminder that I’m safe, and to remind myself of the outcome I’m working toward.
- Be honest with myself about my procrastination – that scroll can be mighty addictive. What/who am I avoiding? NOTE: Sometimes scrolling is just fun. I can tell the difference by how I feel on the inside – my brain will tell whole stories about all that I should be doing, and i’m not actually paying attention.
- Give myself lots of grace
What is your relationship with time?
*IFS is Internal Family Systems Therapy, which is a modality based on the knowledge that each of us has different “parts” within ourselves, each with different roles and responsibilities. With a trusted and trained therapist, you venture inside of yourself to meet them, to understand them, and ultimately to heal when they and you are ready. You can learn more here.
Fun fact: All of my parts are Disney characters which somehow doesn’t surprise me at all!
